kismetkiwi

Hi everyone. I'm Lal, I'm about to start my final year of French and History at Leeds University. I've just come back from living in France for a year.
I saw this on a friends page and thought it was a brilliant idea. I am a notorious procrastinater so I'm hoping having this list and this community will help me achieve some goals. I'm starting it today because 1001 days from now would be my Mum's birthday, she was a great advocate of lists.

Start 20.08.08
End 18.05.11


Any thoughts or tips greatly appreciated...

You're wrestling with a tricky situation right now, and getting other people's input on the situation is important -- you could really use a chance to see things from someone else's perspective. You should definitely check in with the friends you usually rely upon, but don't be shy about asking other people what they think, too. Not only will their unexpected answers make you see things differently, but they will also help you get to know these people better.

Oh and I have a University library card now! Members of the public can get them, not just students. For some reason, not many people seem to know this ...

More books for me ... yay! (:

Color of the day: Topaz
Incense of the day: Lilac

If you are concerned about substance abuse or drinking, but don’t believe you are an addict or alcoholic, a spell for temperance (balance, moderation) can be a good choice, and is wise to perform during a waning Moon. On your altar, have representations of the four elements, a piece of amethyst, a symbol of substance use, and a symbol of sobriety (for example, a shot of whiskey and a shot glass full of water). Optional: the Temperance tarot card and a drum or rattle. Ground and center. Pick up each elemental symbol one at a time, saying “I am balanced by [air, fire, water, earth].” Repeat “I am balanced, I am temperate” over and over while drumming, rattling, or clapping your hands. Send power into the amethyst. Drink the water, saying, “I choose this.” Carry the amethyst with you as a temperance charm. Pour out the whiskey near your front door.

Magda went on the Tairei Gorge Railway trip today and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I did some shopping, then chose a new pair of glasses for myself. The ones I have are too scratched to repair. I've been wearing a pair from my teens, which take up half of my face and look butt ugly. But my vision hasn't changed too much, and they'll have to do for the next week to ten days. It surprises me how many people have noticed the difference. One said I was looking at your eyes, not your glasses which I thought was rather sweet. I've managed to shave more than $200 off my new pair, by buying the frames at one optometrist's and getting the lenses made at another. If Work and Income approves the transactions. I hope they don't have a problem with me giving them two quotes. It can't be helped. The frames I want are only sold at one place in town.

I donated some books to a hostel whilst Magda booked some tickets there. Their book exchange was running low. I tried to sell them last year, but the second hand dealers have become a lot pickier. One even offered to throw them into the skip, to save me carrying them home. Like hell I'm throwing out good books! Or any books for that matter!

Speaking of books, I'm halfway through the beautifully written, yet heart breaking Ten Thousand Sorrows, by Elizabeth Kim. I have a feeling it's going to be one of those books which earn a place in my heart forever, despite the fact that I keep shaking my head in disbelief every couple of pages. I also think it may prove inspirational and even humorous in places! Keep a box of tissues handy if you choose to read this incredible memoir.

Made one of my standard tuna, tomato and pasta dishes for tea. Just add herbs, spices, veges, garlic and lots of sweet chilli sauce for some very yummy results! Magda bought a bottle of white wine to accompany it and gave me a cool Polish fridge magnet.

Have been trying to be tidier and yes, even thinking about looking for a job, after considering Tesia's words over the past half week. I think I reacted strongly to her words because I often feel frustrated with myself over those very issues. It hurt to have someone else say it, and reinforce those negative opinions. I know there is/was truth to her words. I struggle with motivation and direction at times.

But I have decided to make more of an effort, in order to deal with those issues and also in order to make my guests feel more comfortable whilst they are here. One has to learn from such experiences. I think that perhaps Couchsurfing may give me a chance to grow. It's been a long time since I've co-habited with anyone for any length of time and I can't say it suits me for more than a few days or so with most people, bar close friends and I think that perhaps my negative flatting experiences of years past were conjured up by Tesia's attitude and by our interactions together.

Anyway, I waffle ... bye for now. (:

Creativity is a leak in the nuclear reactor of insanity. I sometimes think that the graces people bestow upon me for my art is one of the few things that keep me from meltdown. Maybe thats why I keep pressing on.

How often i hear people speak of going crazy, or being driven crazy by this and that. I hear of all the problems they have and why they see shrinks or take certain pills. Though more often these people show no true creativity, no great objects of art nor lingual moments. The best talent they have is bullshitting everyone so well that they have started to believe it themselves.

The churches of the world speak of demons, and the things they can do. The closest thing they know to a demon is the skeletons in their closets. They don't feel the humid and warm breath trickling across their earlobes as whispers are delivered from between sharpened teeth. The voices that argue all the time, while anther tries to change the subject of the conversation. All of them having the same voice. The most familiar voice of all, . .. . my own.

I have found a small truth in life. That the more artistic, the more creative a person is. The less sanity he bears. And while I enjoy and appreciate the praises I receive, I do feel a little closer to that brink. Like some cruel tug of war, where one side pulls back to the warmth of humanity with the recognition and appreciation of people. And the other is the clammy hands of madness pulling me by the sides of my head toward the brink.

And like any rope being pulled for as long as I have, I am beginning to unravel.

Often I am torn by the family values and manners that have been instilled into the brain of my youth. And though I am rational enough to understand what really matters, I find this voice spilling forth against it. Like some trained dog told to speak. One moment I can be looking at the wonder that is this world with a clarity that feels like a very slight and subtle breeze on a warm day. Then I find something before me that was pushed at me as wrong so long ago. It feels like a grey sandstorm flowing from the back of skull towards the frontal lobe. Like your looking through a haze of smoke, but instead of your eyes hurting from the small sparks, they hit your mind. And its as if that smoke reaches the back of my throat and in a knotted fist punching outward. But instead of a hand or smoke flying out, words of a feeble mind flutter out like the dullest of gray moths. And in some invisible whip the words rebound and hit me in the forehead, causing a clash within my mind.

After that the clarity is gone. It's then I find myself sitting behind grey glass listening and watching a show on a grey TV. Thinking how much of a asshole the main character is. It's not until hours later that the truth was it was me speaking that whole time.

But was I really there? Even though the large fuss was made about something small that would have no effect years down the line. It was me who spoke these words, that thought them, and it's also me that knows they were wrong.

Everyday I try more and more to open my mind and see the world for what it is. And on very rare occasions I get small glimpses or a moments. And that's when I know it can almost be as beautiful.....


...as your smile. Yes yours, a face I have never seen. Yet that smile is what matters the most to me. Smile for me, that I may see it in my dreams, it keeps me going.



P.S.: Anyone know how to hook up a playstaion up to that grey TV?

in progress - 14/101
completed - 1/101

Finished: 12
In progress: 33

Completed:
90 - Copied everything from my harddrive to an external hard drive and disc, so I should be on the safe side now.

Progress this week:
2 - Watched Vertical Limit this week. I've watched it before so it wasn't very exciting, but the whole family watched it and we had a blast :P
4 - Watch an episode this week, I had completely forgotten how great it is! And by the way, I'll add the new seasons to the countdown once they air, so most of the TV goals won't be completed even though I watch all of the currently released seasons as I know there'll be more coming before we reach 2011.
47 - My computer refuses to run Roller Coaster Tycoon 1, so I'll only go for completing 2 & 3 now. Bought the second game this week as my old copy was officially dead and I've completed a few scenarios already.
51 - I bought a colouring book on Thursday and have already painted 10 pages.
72 - Tried Bassett's Fruit Allsorts - and let's just say that I'll never go for that one ever again.
84 - I've reached 4,000 rice grains so far and I've actually learned a lot of words!

( Complete list )

Oriana is sitting in an easy chair with her legs curled under herself, one hand holding a data pad with a complex 3D mystery novel on it, and the other hand holding a glowing orange and yellow drink. Beside her on the floor chibiOptimus is intent on a colouring book, though he pauses for occasional slurps at the big mug of bio diesel that's sitting next to him.

The blond Transformer reads for a few moments more, but then looks up with a slight smile. "You have a good book and a drink. What would they be? Please, keep the answers at a proper level for Optimus to hear."

Why do I love you
You broke me
You threw me around
You put me through more bullshit than anyone ever has
You taught me how to Hate
You almost killed my son
You are no longer a part of my life
You drive me insane
You used me
You Lied to me
You broke every promise you ever made to me
You shattered my pride
Yet when Im alone
I miss you laying by my side
I hate you
I will never let you in my life again
But I will always love you

When is it time to retire?

Hi folks! I just thought I'd post a quick update on my list. I'm about 3 months in now, and I feel pretty good about what I've accomplished. Any advice or opinions on my little commentary under the cut would be greatly appreciated. :)

Start Date: May 25, 2008
End Date: February 20, 2011

Completed: 

50. Send a care package to a soldier I don’t know Completed 6/23/08

 

A thoughtful (and slightly worried) looking Faye is sat on one of the couches facing away from the sign for now. Those who were in the area might have heard her singing to herself quietly, but not loud enough for most to tell what song it was.

Eventually, she asks her questions. "What gives you hope for tomorrow? Hope that things will get better?"

"And what's your favourite song, if you don't want to answer that?"

Hosting Magda is completely different to having Tesia stay. Magda's been a Couchsurfing host in Poland, as well as having Couchsurfed in Australia and New Zealand, and knows what to expect as a result.

Showed her round town after having a quick cuppa. Then to the supermarket to buy nacho ingredients. She offered to pay half, but I said not to worry about it because she shouted me a bottle of wine, which we had with tea.

She's leaving Thursday morning. Possibly going on the Tairei Gorge Railway or on a trip to the Catlins. Or maybe I'll show her around town. We'll see how it goes.

Color of the day: Gray
Incense of the day: Basil

Today is Tuesday, ruled by Mars. Sacred to the god of war, this is a good time to prepare for conflict. Sometimes disputes resolve gracefully; other times, you must assert yourself in ways that other people just won’t like. Use this charm to store power for when you need to say no and make it stick. You will need a square of red cloth, red thread, and a red stone such as a garnet. You’ll also need at least one Mars herb such as garlic, thistle, or pepper, and an essential oil like dragon’s blood, galangal, or ginger. Bundle the herb and stone into the cloth, add one drop of essential oil, and tie with thread. Focus on absorbing the Mars energy of the day. When you need the stored power, apply one drop of essential oil to the bundle and one to your wrist, and carry the bundle with you.

Loneliness grips me. It's like having very cold water poured over you when you expected it to be very hot. There is that slight moment when you react as planned, and then it just kind of assaults you like a soundless laughter. Not funny, but like the laughter that other children would make when they mocked you and made you feel small and ashamed. The laughter you could sometimes focus on to get mad at it. Which would give you the strength to walk away. But there is no sound. Just the feeling. There is no one to channel any pure feelings on to wake you from the gray muggy feelings of longing. The longing to have your arms around someone, and theirs around you.

Loneliness tends to wash over your skin like a muggy wind. You feel very warm, yet chilled as it crawls over you. Finally finding a cold, almost hollow spot in the middle of your chest. Its a feel like you should be doing something. Like the feeling of when we are hungry or thirsty. A wordless telling from our bodies that we react to. Only food doesn't satisfy the already full stomach. Drinking doesn't quench our thirst.

I imagine it's what it feels to be on crack or cocaine without a fix. Only instead of the body assaulting you, or your mind. It's something deep within us. In a place where it causes or heads to get fuzzy when we home in on it. It's these times that we ponder what is a soul, and if it is really there. Because something hurts in our very core. But you can't pinpoint it, nor compare it to any physical pain.

Thoughts of finding someone to hold you, anyone that can give some familiarity. Though after so many times in my life, I fear of what would become after the loneliness fades. After getting a fix that seams to set you straight enough to open your eyes, and see the one before you. To feel that this is not what you want, but are scared to go through such pain again. There we spend driving glass shards into our brains as we struggle against the torn feelings. And somewhere in that panic we scare off, offend, or anger the ones that came to us in those times.

So many times over the past few years I have chosen that loneliness over the comfort. For I am strong in my will, and cannot keep up with the emotional roller coasters that befall my heart. Though while this may be praised. It is also a double bladed sword. Both sides cut. Whether we choose the duller side that requires repeated cutting, or the sharp side that cleaves us to pieces.

I awoke a few nights back, as I often do as of late. My overactive mind channeling thoughts and stories of lucid voices. I got up and wrote what was on my mind before throwing myself back into my uncomfortable bed.
----------------
As I laid there bleeding from the deep wound. I did not quiver or cry. My body was used to pain. I turned to her and said, "Please just hold me. I know it's an odd request. But if you do, I'll explain." She looked at me with puzzlement in her eyes. She was not mine, but just a friend.
"There is a balance to all things. Flesh is soft & weak, but it will heal over time. And while steel is tough & strong, if it is cracked and broken, it cannot form itself together again.
I have endured so much pain of both body and mind, I have had to strengthen my mind and will. It is strong like steel, but like steel, if I falter I will crack and break down. And die in madness.
----------------

This is the hell I have carved for myself. I can keep enduring due to my bullheadedness, but must be careful, for if I break, I may end up broken. This steel heart if mine resides in a body made of water. And with time it is getting rusty and weak.



Speaking of weak, I can think of no better work than that to describe me, I falter instead of taking matters I feel I should stand for. I wait for some kind of perfect moment, when no moment is better than the right here and now. I can foresee things. I fucking wish I didn't. I live in some kind of self denial of my ability, and feel the skin on my back rip open from the crack of the whip after. And everyday is a painful drip of lemon juice on those wounds. The ones people say will heal. How can those people know my mind when I cannot.

How can one have confidence or self love for them self when they fuck up so often on moments that they can never get back. I am my own worst enemy, and the worst part is that I cannot kill this enemy, though the enemy does kill me slowly and painfully.

Ugh. I'm so annoyed at my mom. It's time to sign up for dance, and I'm always the problem. I only take ballet and I'm not in competition. There's a Teen Ballet class that my mom wants me to take, but I would have to leave Girl Scouts 45 minutes early. But apparently at Girl Scouts we "don't accomplish much anyway, so it wouldn't be that bad." Hi mom, you don't even know that I've been planning my Gold Award nearly all summer. And LAST year, my troop made plans for a badge for THIS year. Yeah, we chat a lot and meetings get cancelled because we forget to plan things. I even admit that we don't accomplish much. But that doesn't make it any less important.

Onto ballet, don't even tell me that you "don't mean it" when I say you think I'm not good enough for Denise's class. I've been in her class for the past few years, the only reason I wasn't in her class last year was because you worked later and the class was early for the first time ever. So I went to Sarah's class and yeah, I had fun, the girls were nice, but I wasn't challenged at all. I would prefer Denise by far. Yeah, I'm not the best, I struggle with my turns and my splits, but I know I can do better if I practiced. Honestly, I didn't stretch during the week, I didn't practice my turns. But guess what I've been doing every week all summer. Yeah, stretching. No turns, but still.

So you call the dance studio and now I have to "audition" for Denise. I have to go to TWO classes. The later one being the class I SHOULD be in. The first being 14-15 year olds. And apparently, Denise is supposed to decide which class I belong in. I'm going to be 17 in two months. There is NO WAY I'm going into the younger class. So I'm going to work out like crazy for the next three weeks so I do my best performance in class on that Tuesday and prove to all of you that I can dance. It wouldn't be so hard if you believed in me a little.